When Mike walked out our garage door with Quinn on Thursday night the 20th - to drop him off at a friend's house for his very first sleepover - I ran into the laundry room & tried really, really hard to not thoroughly lose it (I basically failed). I'm not sure that I have any friends who have felt much differently, but that didn't really give me any real comfort in leaving for the hospital to welcome another little boy into our family. It felt (feels?) like a betrayal of sorts, or a surgical separation of (addition to?) my heart that I wasn't quite prepared for. We've spent the past two years giving 100% of our time & attention to Quinn, & the results are tangible - he is sweet, smart, growing & learning so much every day. He is enthusiastic, determined & passionate. Mike & I always talk about how amazing it is how frequently we learn from him. That is why we're parents, why we decided to have a family. It's been an absolutely phenomenal experience, the lessons of which cannot be replicated in any other form, period.
And now we have two.
I love West. He's my new little friend, & we're working really hard on getting to know each other. He is precious, tiny, pure. He smells delicious. He's a good baby, & having done this all once before has made the experience that much easier (which is to say that it's relatively easier). I'm grateful that he's here, grateful that he's part of our family, & am absolutely certain that we'll look back & wonder how we ever managed without him. He & Q will be so good for each other. I have no doubts.
But Quinn! I've got two years of all-day-every-day solo time with this little boy, so is it okay to say that I miss him just a little bit? I really do. He's been busily & happily playing with Grandma every day, & I know he isn't suffering, but still. I'm trying to sneak in alone time with him every day, trying to have just those few precious moments with just us, & trying to make sure that his world doesn't feel too terribly rocked. It's a hard balance with the demands of a newborn, but I know I will figure it out, & everything will be okay*. But today - I just miss my little buddy.
It's been easy to want to do anything to make him happy this past week (more out of fear that he'll be forever damaged by a little brother - or the diminished attention he'll get as a result of West's arrival - instead of being blessed / fulfilled / so very happy to have a brother). This means lots of choo choo!! videos, & cookies!! more than usual. I'm okay with all of this, as long as he continues to know how much we love him.
We had a mama-son cookie** date the other afternoon, just us. Just for a few minutes.
*Everything will be okay, everything will be okay, everything will be okay. And repeat!
**These are my favorites.
4 comments:
So sweet.
that last one, ADORABLE.
Oh I feel that. I missed Jane so intensely those first few days at the hospital and even the first weeks at home, until we settled into our new routine and we had good time together. There is a lot of depth of feeling with all of the changes that happen in adding to your family. You and Mike are wonderful parents and I love reading your blog.
You are not alone. I remember feeling that way when Greyson was born. I truly mourned my Cohen-Momma time - like I had experienced a loss. The transition from one to two children was challenging in ways I didn't prepare myself for. But like most things, it definitely gets easier and it is totally worth it.
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