The Magic of NYC at Christmas.

December 3, 2006
WEEKEND IN NEW YORK PITFALLS FOR TOURISTS; On the Town, the Wrong Way
By SETH KUGEL

FOR the last six months, this column has described 26 different ways to spend a weekend in New York. But we've ignored one of the most common ways to see the city: badly.

So, here is a guide to spending an utterly hideous weekend as a tourist in Manhattan, taking full advantage of absolutely nothing that the city has to offer, and getting entangled in as many of its provocations and vexations as possible.

But you don't have to plan to spend a wretched weekend; it's pretty easy to find an overpriced hotel with a view of an airshaft. Just make sure it's in Midtown, where the pretzel vendors and thousands of other goggle-eyed tourists will tease out your latent claustrophobia. The New Yorkers who normally stalk these streets on weekdays are off in the neighborhoods south of 23rd Street that you would be staying in, too, if you actually wanted to have a good time. Also, if you need last-minute theater tickets, be sure to order them full price by phone (or overpriced from brokers) before you leave, instead of checking what the discount TKTS booth has available once you get here.

You will, of course, want to drive here, preferably in your S.U.V., without E-ZPass, preferably through or over whichever bridge or tunnel's gridlocked traffic you did not check on by listening to 1010 WINS every 10 minutes on the ones. Once you give up on Midtown's three or four legal parking spaces, leave the car in a ''Commercial Vehicles Loading and Unloading Only'' or ''No Standing Any Time'' spot.

On Saturday, when you've found your way to the scenic Tow-Pound-on-the-Hudson to reclaim it, you can put it in a garage for $40 to $50 for the next 24 hours. (Definitely leave it in there on Sunday, when free parking on the street is allowed.)

If you arrive by Friday rush hour, that's the perfect time to take a pedicab, as the bicycle-propelled, open-air cabs are called. That will allow you to soak in the neon glow of Times Square as you turn a rare blue from sucking down the carbon monoxide and soot of the car-clotted streets.

Don't chance it with the local cuisine. You'll want to try one of the city's national chain restaurants. The exotic urban setting of an Applebee's or McDonald's is thrilling. But for those wanting to test New York's ethnic cuisines, the city offers a wealth of Italian restaurants for every price range and from every region of Italy. Our suggestion for southern Italian fare: the by-the-pound buffet at Sbarro's. (You could also order in Domino's Brooklyn Style Pizza.) Mexicans represent one of New York's fastest-growing immigrant groups; if you are in the mood to spice it up, have the three for $3 taquitos at the 42nd Street 7-Eleven. The jalapeño cream-cheese variety is especially good.

Turn in early Friday night or, at the very least, don't venture south toward neighborhoods like Chelsea, the East Village, TriBeCa or SoHo lest you actually find some night life and people watching. If you are a night owl, you can find peace, quiet and grossly overpriced diners anywhere in Midtown.

Did you forget anything? It's easy to pick up toiletries and snacks at any of the 24-hour drugstores like Duane Reade, but may we suggest the dusty, overpriced toothbrushes and individual packs of aspirin available at many 24-hour delis?

This is New York, of course, so the next morning you'll want a bagel and cream cheese for breakfast. Easy enough: just look for one of the street-corner carts that sell coffee and an array of pastries. Buried among the buttered rolls and cudgel-like crullers, you'll find a few cold, already-sliced bagels produced en masse by a place that also makes Frisbees, with a square of cream cheese in between to make sure that air gets in to make the bagel as stale as possible. Like your coffee black? Just ask for ''regular.'' If you want to sit, try the Carnegie Deli, where a bagel with Nova Scotia salmon and cream cheese goes for $17.95. Too pricey for just one person? Share for just $3 extra.

What sights you want to see will depend on the weather. On a gloomy, hazy day, the Empire State Building's observation deck will literally put you in the clouds, perfect if you suffer from vertigo or have a kid who wants to be a meteorologist. Postcards of what it looks like on a clear day are readily available, anyway. On a beautiful afternoon, you'll want to hang out in one of Midtown's old, musty twilit Irish bars so you don't get a sunburn. If you must go to museums, try to speed through three or four into a single afternoon to see if you can break four minutes in the Museum Mile.

You'll want to take presents home, so try the flock of no-name electronics dealers in Midtown. The digital cameras and laptops will probably not have any prices on them, but the sales clerks will be happy to fill you in on how much they cost and pretend that they won't bargain with you.
Finally, avoid the locals. You've heard it again and again: New Yorkers are ghastly, troll-like human beings who for some reason subject themselves to living in this soulless, sardine can of a megalopolis where you can hardly find an Olive Garden. The real spirit of New York is to be found in skyline views, hotel lobbies and yellow cabs with drivers speaking Urdu into their cellphones.

If you do, by chance, end up on the hopelessly convenient, inexpensive subway, be sure not to ask any strangers if a particular train goes express, or is not operating at that time. That's what the fine print at the bottom of the subway maps is for. In any case, what better way to while away the weekend than waiting hours for the W train, which runs only on weekdays?