Anxiety.

This is basically what I felt like this morning. I've been trying to read on the train for the last few weeks {still working on getting past the intro in Anna Kerenina- I have the best of intentions} without any success, & it finally hit me this morning: My brain is full. It's just F-U-L-L. I have a lot going on, & I just can't handle reading an 800+ page book right now. I just can't. I could barely make it through People magazine the other day. Imagine the sensation of being in a very crowded room. This room is my brain. Yes- my brain is crowded, & if anything else is pushed in, it might just pop.

I woke up really, really, anxious for some reason this morning. I had a pit in my stomach, & sort of felt like curling up in a ball in bed & staying there for a very long time while not thinking about much of anything besides focusing on thinking about absolutely nothing. This anxiety sort of came out of nowhere. Mike & I had a good weekend, but we also spent quite a bit of time talking & thinking about stuff {I'm being intentionally ambiguous here}. Our life is relatively simple, but at times, it feels incredibly, incredibly complex with a lot of decisions being dependant on others being made first, & sometimes, things don't work out in the precise order in which would work best. I thought about making a diagram in PowerPoint today to demonstrate {privately} all of the things that contributed to my anxiety this morning. I thought that after making this diagram, I could create a flow chart of some sort demonstrating the appropriate actions necessary to reach the defined objectives, with logical steps & processes included. Instead of devoting 4 hours to this, I made this silly little thing instead, demonstrating all of the {ambiguous} factors that contribute to my anxiousness:

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You get the idea. There are a lot of contributing factors. And sometimes I just get a little {or a lot, depending on the day} overwhelmed.

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So- I spent my half an hour on the train this morning not reading my book {I've still carried it every day, despite my lack of progress}, but trying to calm myself down & convince myself that I am in control of most major things in my life {I sort of have control issues, uhm, kind of}, & the things that I can't control... that's probably okay. Life is okay. I said a little prayer, & counted my blessings for a few minutes. I have a really cool husband. I live next to a beautiful park with secret woods & waterfalls. I've lived in New York long enough that I can stand up on the subway without falling over - no hands {this makes me feel super cool}. I have legs that allow me to run. I love my job. Life is good, right?

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So here I am, a few {12} hours later, & I feel better. A rough start to the week, but yes... I feel better.