Grandma.

.I like this one because it's the most recent (last summer).
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And I like this one because it's where it all started for us, my grandma & me.

My grandma died this morning. I say died, & not passed away because when my mom called & told me this morning, after a flurry of phone calls back & forth regarding her status, that's how she said it. She died, & that phrase has been running through my head all day. The ambulance didn't even make it to the hospital- not even up the hill from her house. Cardiac arrest, & gone. In the end, this was easier. No major decisions had to be made, minimal pain. We sort of expected it, but you never really expect it, right? I was on the train when I got the latest update, & couldn't contain the sobs. I'm sure I was quite the spectacle amongst my fellow (silent) commuters.

She was my grandma for 25 years. She taught me how to bat my eyelashes to flirt with the boys. I spent every spring break at her condo in Palm Springs & I was always amazed by how well she could float in the pool. She knew the lyrics to every song released in the 40's or 50's & was always singing one of them. She was sharp. She wore gold shoes way before they were trendy. She sent letters often. I looked forward to my birthday lunch with her every year. One year, she bought me a Black Cat cake for my birthday (which is the day before Halloween). We ate it together, black frosting included. The next morning, she called me giggling & asked if my digestive system had produced a result similar to hers! We were both Scorpios, & despite the fact that I generally didn't really know what that meant, that was sort of our thing. Finally- She is responsible for keeping me more healthy by instilling in me an absolute fear of mayonnaise (due to her gross overuse). Maybe it was endearing- that she loved mayonnaise so much. Kind of funny.

I'm sad today. But at the end of the day, how can you be really sad when you know the story? Andrew sort of put it best - She's in a lot better place than any of us are! Truth. Oh- & it's Andrew's birthday. My Grandpa died on Joanna's birthday, & now my Grandma died on Andrew's birthday, so I guess it's some sort of gross tradition. Tara's birthday is on the 15th & we're all sort of worried. I don't have any grandparents left though.

I got the call en route to Greenwich, got off the train, went to my office for just long enough to turn on my out-of-office & tell my assistant that I was going to be MIA for a while, & then hopped on a train back to New York. I'm not going home (my Spokane home). Funerals aren't really a Hudson Family thing apparently. We're okay with that. I set up a family conference call tonight so that we could all be together. It was fun, & we laughed. I love my family. Apparently we all dealt with our grief by shopping. My dad bought 36 pairs of socks at Costco. Joanna bought clothes. Tara a table. I bought blush, & a few cute headbands from JCrew to tame the bangs. I think that really, it was all just an excuse to wander, & we all found it so interesting that we all did the same thing. I wandered for hours- during which the highlight was seeing a girl wearing the exact same hideous gladiator shoes I posted below. For reals. Yuck.

We went to see BYU's Chamber Orchestra perform last night. Their finale was a beautiful arrangement of Where Can I Turn for Peace. The message is totally true- & because of that, I feel okay. It's okay, because I know where she is, I know I'll see her again- & that's not just a safety net of comfort. It's true, & it's real, & that's why life is bearable. Because life is short, & people don't get to stay with us forever, but I know the plan, & that just makes things okay on the not-so-good days.

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