This week - week #4! - I vow to be better at the sleep when he sleeps rule. I'm not sure how many dozens of people have given me that advice, & it's the one piece that I haven't taken seriously enough. As my mom said, it's okay if the refrigerator isn't perfectly organized. I may have done that once, while she was here. But seriously. It was driving me nuts, having the vegetables mixed in with the dairy, etc. etc.
Sigh.
It's fair to say that we're sleepy around here. But we're happy & healthy & figuring new things out every day. Like yesterday, I breastfeed in public. And I guess I decided to just go big with my first attempt, & sat down on a bench on 5th Avenue. Nursing covers are cumbersome & tricky for us, as we're still trying to figure things out. Quinn was obviously equally frustrated, & after he became too mad to be productive, we just gave up & he screamed all the way home. We need to practice at home, I think. But we tried, & were 40% successful! And in the meantime, Mike & I just kept looking at each other & laughing. This is our life! And after 7+ years of knowing each other (5+ being married), it's kind of crazy having totally new things to try & experience. Like breastfeeding across the street from the Guggenheim & then being those people with a stroller + screaming child. Or having a crying baby at 3am & figuring out how to soothe him together, because neither of us are the expert. Things are getting shaken up around here for sure.
Last night I got some decent stretches of sleep - 3 hours each?? Long enough that I had a dream that I was on-set photographer for the cast of Glee. I have a lot of photography dreams actually, dreams that are really specific - shooting on manual, & playing with my shutter speed, aperture, & focus points on my camera, re-composing my shots, looking into my view finder & trying again. I think I've actually gotten some great practice in my sleep. Anyway. In my next stretch of sleep, I dreamt that Lea Michelle was teaching me how to sing a lullaby that was really just far too complicated (I need to learn more lullabies), & I was so stressed because Oh my gosh! It was Lea Michelle, & a Broadway performer I am not. Funny.
Mike took these photos when Q & I were taking a little snooze on Friday. He's funny - Q that is - & sometimes just doesn't want to nap alone. He's mostly fine in his crib, but sometimes - he just wants company. I was spent, he was spent, so we napped. He must love me, right? I mean, he wouldn't nap with just anyone like that, right? Maybe it's arrogant to say this, but I feel like pregnancy & these first few weeks (months? years?) are so selfless. The pain & suffering is somewhat prolific, & the burden cannot be shared - & sometimes, I just want him to look at me & say Thanks for lunch, Mama. I love you! I want validation! I want to know that he knows that I love him! I want to know that it's worth it that my boobs kill just about every minute of every day, because someone appreciates them (actually, the pediatrician validated me with his incredible weight gain in a two week period)!
But really, I suppose that these small little moments - when he's well fed, content & comfortable - those validate me as a mother & let me know that I'm at least doing something right.
10 comments:
Now those are simply beautiful!
as a mom, you'll always want to hear a thank you. unfortunately sometimes our selflessness goes unnoticed to rowdy kids and then crazy teenagers. being parents in general is selfless and hard but incredibly rewarding. i am about to embark on this motherhood thing for a third time and I still feel unprepared. it is new and different every time :) enjoy those naps! unfortunately once you have more then one, you can't really sleep when the baby sleeps. i may be just a teensy bit jealous ;)
The validation comes. The more you are able to interact and communicate, the more fun (at least in my opinion). I never get sick of hearing Max thank me or tell me he loves me.
Sleep all you want with Quinn on your chest! You probably won't get to do that with any following children, so live it up with this first one.
oh, these are sweet. and you are right. motherhood is the most selfless experience we can have in this life. the closest we come to divinity. it's the creation of and harboring of responsibility for another individual. an individual that you would give up your life for in a heartbeat if it meant they could have everything. nothing compares.
and they can do 50 awful things that day, but when they say "goodnight, mom. i love you," it somehow cancels out all the awful. and there's our validation. you're doing so great.
Kathryn, congrats. He is so adorably handsome. You are so lucky and look great. I always love watching someone go from being pregnant to a being a mother. I think your face is glowing.
I know I am a stranger but here is my unsolicited stranger advice (ha ha). I was told by so many people too, to nap when your baby naps and I tried my hardest, but always felt like there was so much to do and cross off my list and I wanted to do it so that my baby could have my full attention when she was awake. Well before I knew it she was 6 months and didn't want to lay by me when she slept (or wouldn't), and she didn't fit perfectly on my chest any more the way Q does with you.
Sad.
And now I have another one that is 3 months and all I want to do is snuggle and sleep by her before I blink and she's 6 months old. But alas I can't because I have a wild and crazy three year old who needs constant attention. So soak it ALL up, and leave those dirty dishes and unorganized fride (Ha ha) behind because in a few months sleeping next to him will be one of your favorite memories. And you won't remember all those things you clean or organized. Sadly, you won't be able to do it as much with your next one.
I hope you don't mind that I commented on this. I think you are doig an amazing job being a mom so far. Your stories sound like just about EVERY new mom. So don't think you are alone. It's hard. And it's hard not to beat yourself up about EVERYTHING. I think motherhood suits you.
P.S. I live in Utah but I actually was a nanny out in Darien and New Canaan 5 years ago, so your pictures from there bring back so many memories. I love it there in the fall.
A lifetime lived in 3.5 weeks. K&M 2.0
Here's to the ever-accelerating adventure, courtesy of Q Dub
Are you seriously that pretty when you sleep Kathryn?!?
Snuggle and sleep by him. You have time, time, time to move him to his crib in a few months (or I guess never, since some people co-sleep? I don't, but you could).
breastfeeding in public is HARD. so hard. practicing at home with the stupid cover is a great idea (or you might end up with a baby who refuses to use the cover while nursing and you get so fed up with trying to use it and having said baby pitch a fit in public that you just try to find an empty corner in the airport to feed without the cover on and you still give several people a show, because maybe i know someone that happened to just yesterday...)
Wait until they are a toddler and throw a toy at you...it's a really nice 'thanks for all you sacrifice for me, mom'. :)
emily's comment made me laugh out loud.
my very first public breast-feeding experience came with Reese (i know shocking because it was my 2nd child) when I was on the flight to Spokane + Haidyn - Patrick + sitting right next to an obviously bothered man. But the only way Reese wouldn't cry on the plane was when she was on my boob. It was awesome.
Whenever i went out and about with Hadiyn in SF i would just pump and bring the bottle with me because we were so go go go.
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