Baby Ayla, & a few of the things she made me think about.

Baby Girl Ayla

Friend Heidi had a beautiful baby girl last week. I went to the hospital about a dozen hours after she was born & took some photos for them, & was completely overwhelmed by how tiny she was. Newborns really are just intoxicating. I kept commenting on how tiny she was at 7 & change pounds & Heidi reminded me that I too had a little baby (!!), & that he was just six pounds not too long ago! I was suddenly overwhelmed by how quickly this has all gone by - this initial motherhood business - because my baby is really no longer little (his thighs make this obvious). I've just started to pack up more clothing as he continues to grow out of things, making this growth even more tangible. He's approaching his fourth month of life this week! 12 weeks! September used to feel like just the other day, but now it suddenly feels like September. The fall, & now it's Christmas & we're approaching the new year & I'm wearing a down coat. Mike comes home almost every day from work & remarks on how much Q has changed. He has! His eyes are so bright & aware. He'll stare into my eyes like he's piercing my soul. He still loves to cuddle on my chest, but his legs are all squished up & I'm just scared for the day when he no longer fits in that cozy little bundle. His head isn't floppy & his tummy time is making him strong. His diapers are getting too small, & I'm pulling just a few things from his 3-6 month clothing drawer. And then - Last night, he didn't need me! He slept for 8 hours & 12 minutes straight, & you'd better believe that I was counting every minute of that last hour & a half, staring at the video monitor & making sure that he was still breathing. This morning, I read him Goodnight Moon for the first time & he stared at every page. He loves his mom, craning his head & looking at me when he's held by someone else, & he is generous with lots of smiles throughout the day. I hope he always loves me. He's growing up! Quickly! It's happy & wonderful & bittersweet all at the same time, & while part of me can't wait until he's his Dad's little buddy, & I get to take him to Shake Shack for a burger, my heart also kind of breaks for the day when he turns from baby into boy. It's a beautiful cliché - I love him more & more every day, & I love that I'm his mama. I think about this reality a few dozen times a day, & my eyes well up with tears just about every time I put him down for a nap. Still swaddled, of course. He still loves that, for now.

It's a big world
baby
& you're little
for a little while

I'm grateful for photography. And blogging. I really, really am. I know that I'll love every stage, but those first few weeks with Quinn were just precious, & sacred. The unknown & the inexperience & the vulnerability that comes with being a mother for the first time likely will never be replicated, nor will the experience of having just one. Mike & I are already giggling about how relatively clueless we were, & those nights that were so emotionally traumatic - I can laugh about them now & see how far we've come. But in my memory, much of that time is already a bit lost. The details are fuzzy. Photos & writing help me to remember.

I feel like I've grown up a lot this fall. Learned so much. Come into my own as a mother.

Friends Tim & Amy were over Sunday night after the tree lighting. We drank hot chocolate & apple cider, & the boys continued their relative indifference towards each other. When Eli got a little fussy & Amy was occupied, I picked him up & bounced him around & we had a little chat for a minute or two until he was calm. It was a successful & simple little experience with a child that is not mine, but I realized that I have a thousand times more confidence than I did several months ago, or even a few weeks ago. And, it reminded me how grateful I am for my friends, my mother, & my sisters who have taught me how to be a mother. In this particular instance, I thought of Tara & how amazing she was with Quinn when she was here. Those were some of the hardest days with him, & the nights were long & seemingly endless (+ sleepless). He wouldn't sleep. He cried. It was hard. Tara could have talked with him for hours (& probably came close to doing just that), & her ability to soothe him was inspiring. I learned from it, & I know I'm a better mother because of her & my attempts to emulate her. Thanks, sister. And really, when they say that it takes a village, they mean it. I think about friend Erin, who got a phone call from me from my apartment when I was in labor but couldn't even get words out because I was crying, & in pain, & incredibly scared. I think about friend Suzi, who answers approximately 3,456 questions from me a day, & who's matter of fact parenting of her Will has taught me so much. I think about friend Diane, who is a pediatrician & a virtual angel of a human being. I emailed her on a day when I was certain I was going straight + swiftly to mom hell & she responded with words that gave me immediate comfort. I think about other-friend-Erin who has helped me so much in helping Quinn learn how to sleep. She spent almost an hour on the phone with me the other day as Q was screaming bloody murder, & then more time a few days later when I had yet a dozen more questions. She's taught me how to teach Quinn how to sleep better, & I'm grateful for that. Anyway. I could give an Oscar-worthy speech about all of the kind women who have reached out to me & helped me, but then I'd probably get more emotional than I already am. Hormones. I can still pull the hormones card, right? I'm breastfeeding. Being a milk factory has to have similar hormonal effects as being a baby making factory, no?

Anyway. I'm grateful, & I'm happy, & I love being a mother to my swiftly growing son.