Quinn was on one today. He has essentially all but dropped his nap, and as a result, afternoons are hard. This afternoon was a perfect example. He was demanding airplanes, trips to the cabin and an assortment of other things that were undeliverable. He wanted endless glasses of chocolate milk, demanded the iPad, and kept asking to go for a long drive (we only watch movies in the car on long drives - he has caught on). He fought going potty, fought getting dressed, and fought sleeping. It was the kind of day that zapped every ounce of energy I contained in my body, because when he comes at me with his intensity, my natural inclination is to respond with the same (wonder where he got it from). I've made a concerted effort the past few months to be patient with Quinn - to know and accept that so much of his personality is simply in his wiring, and that we all need to learn how to cope with and manage it. But these days - they are exhausting, and they are long.
Kendra came over in the afternoon to babysit, and instead of running out to do errands like I normally do, I went into my room, closed the door, lied down on the settee by the window, and slept.
(With a traveling husband and an exhausted supply of patience, I just knew I had to, for the safety of both myself and my children.)
Somehow I made it through diner, most of which ended up on the floor (why do I bother?). Q demanded to be all done and then asked for some tunes. I turned on some music on my phone and he asked me to dance. I pulled him out of his high chair and into my arms. It was a slow song, so I began to sway. He quickly grew impatient and said, Bouncing, Mom! Bouncing! I chose something faster, and he immediately smiled and laughed. We danced, and he relaxed, and West just looked on from his own chair smiling, laughing and clapping (he's such an easy baby, happy to just observe and to cheer us on in his supportive way).
These few minutes rescued me, reminding me why I do what I do, and how much I love Quinn and West.
(All of this is to say that I've just lost my words. I don't have the energy to find them, to piece them together in an artful or even thoughtful way, and I'm giving myself the flexibility right now to be okay with that - to take a little break, despite the fact that I so desperately want to document every minuscule part of the lives of my sweet little boys. I've exhausted myself trying to do it all, and I've learned lately that I need to focus on the essentials and mostly, to simplify. In practice, this has meant cutting out my Facebook entirely - since December now! - trimming down those that I follow on Instagram [and blocking those that I don't know], and spending little to zero time reading blogs, let alone the blogs of people I don't know, and especially the blogs of people who are being paid / have a strategy. I'm trying to put down my camera more, to focus more on quality and less on quantity, and to just be a little more present. Of course, I haven't even come close to figuring it all out yet. Someday...)
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