There’s a lot that I could write about right now. Sometimes though, I feel like I don’t even have the energy to keep up with everything that is in my head. I’ll tackle today’s most pressing topic…I came home from work yesterday thoroughly exhausted. It was a busy, stressful, & a frustrating day. I literally collapsed when I got on the train. I was so frustrated that I couldn’t even concentrate on my book. I just wanted to sit very still. For the first time ever in my new {4+ months} job, I had to deal with political drama at work. Without going into detail, it’s clearly going to be ongoing- & like I said, exhausting. I came home & decided that I would run it off. When I could barely run 3 ½ miles {pretty easy for me these days}, I knew that I was really tired. But this is only the sub-topic of this post. There's more.
To top off the professional aspect of my frustrating day, it was personally frustrating as well {& quite thought-provoking, aka exhausting}. I was sitting outside on the dock eating lunch with a few women that I work with {all quite a bit older}, & the topic of motherhood came up. Everyone agreed that I {being the only childless one present} need to wait as long as I possibly can to have kids {I’m constantly being told this at work}, that my career is so much more important, & that being a mom just isn’t as fulfilling as it is to succeed professionally. One of them actually told me that I had too much potential to throw it all away. I take that as a half-compliment, half-insult. Another said that she would rather be on a conference call then help her kids with their homework. The third, who just came back from maternity leave, said that she couldn’t wait to get back to work after having her baby. She’s in her mid-30’s, & the one who told me to wait until I’m her age {right}.
This has been an area of anxiety for me for the last year or so. I understand that motherhood is not wearing sweatpants, eating bon bons & watching Oprah. I won't suffer a lobotomy after going through labor. I recognize that I have incredibly strong examples all around me- friends, family, etc., many of whom are fulfilled, happy & content. Some have been able to balance both work & family. They are creative, strong & smart women. I envy them. But I still get nervous. I'm in a really good spot, professionally, but my long term goals include a family {without working outside of the home, if it can be avoided}. My brother told me last week that I’m being brainwashed by feminists on the East Coast. An extreme comment, but perhaps true to a certain extent- maybe otherwise, I wouldn’t even second guess myself & my goals, or worry about giving it up. Conversations such as the one I had yesterday make me feel like I grew up on either Mars or an Amish farm. I really love my job. I really love doing well at work, & I’m proud of my successes. I’ve been pretty driven this past year to get where I want, but the fundamental driver for me is that I want to a) provide & prepare for my family and b) be a better mom someday. Sometimes I really do want it all. Other days, I'm really excited to be a mom & let it all go. At the end of the day though, I'm traditional, & my priorities are clearly different than those of the women I work with. I shouldn't feel bad about that.
Maternity leave is obviously career suicide at my firm. When I asked my mentor at work how she balanced both, she explained to me that she just can’t; she’s either being a bad mom, or not performing well professionaly. She said that simply put, you just can’t win if you do both. I guess in the end, a lot of the anxiety I’ve felt over the last 24 hours {in particular} stems from the obvious fact that when I leave my job someday, people will think that I am crazy. They just won’t get it. I shouldn’t care, & mostly, I don't. For now- I’m just sort of anxious about the whole thing. I know what I want to do, but I'm still anxious. I'm really lucky that Mike is supportive- either way. He wants me to be happy & fulfilled. I'm lucky for that.
I got home from work & found BYU Magazine in my mailbox- one of the cover stories: About a successful LDS news anchor {can't remember her name, & am too lazy to find it} who gives it all up to be a mom. Is someone trying to tell me something? She made a great point in the article- She grew really tired of LDS women saying that they were just a mom, or just staying home with the kids. It drove her crazy. I whole heartedly agree. Motherhood is not JUST anything. My sisters work harder than most people I know. It's a real full time job. It’s the most important thing I will ever, ever do- everything I’m doing now is just preparatory.
I think I just need more like-minded friends in the city to offer support- people who understand my professional passions, but also realize for what purpose they exist {Kellie.}. Right now, I sort of feel alone on an island. At work anyway. It all just felt a little ruthless yesterday... I need a weekend!
8 comments:
I feel for you Kathryn, and can (in a way) relate. It's a little different because topic is marriage, and that's not something I can just go do tomorrow. However, I'm constantly told at work that I'm so young and shouldn't get married for at least ten years, and when I do, it's totally normal and okay to have a job where I work all the time, and have a husband who works even more, and never see each other and not care.
It is so different here and when I try to explain that to my native east coast coworkers, how it's a little different in the west, they just think I'm naive.
I'm sorry!
I Am a Mother! By Jane Clayson Johnson. Great book! Being a mother is awesome! I was a teacher, and everyone was SHOCKED when I said I wasn't coming back. But staying home is worth it--although, it's definitely not eating bon bons and watching Oprah all day. :) And I agree with your mentor--you can't be 100% as both a mother and a careerwoman.
Don't stress--you'll figure out what's best for you guys, and if you don't go back to work, you never have to see your coworkers again! :)
kathryn I read that same article last night in BYU Magazine and I also have the book Jane Clayson wrote, it is on my "to read" list.
Well I am really annoyed by society when women look down upon other women who make the choice to raise their own children. Wasn't the whole point of the women's right movement for women to have a CHOICE? and whatever the choice, should be respected.
I personally am baffled that anyone would look down upon stay at home moms, I think it is the honorable (and more FUN) choice. Anyhow, I could go on but will stop. This is also something I think about and am confronted with daily. I hope you will be able to have confidence and peace with whatever you choose in the future!
Everyone has that innate desire to be or do something great and feel fulfilled in life. Whether you get that from work or raising your own kids is such a personal choice.
Truthfully for me, I have never pictured myself as a stay at home mom. As of right now, I can't imagine handing Haidyn off to some one else everyday. I would be too envious at the thought of them getting all of her smiles and laughs. Not to mention seeing all the new things she learns to do. It may sound simple now, but these things are worth more than gold to me and I wouldn't miss it for anything this world has to offer.
I feel so sorry for these women. And sorry that you have to hear it! Before I had Isobel, I wondered if I could do the whole stay at home thing...but like Kera, I wouldn't want miss out on her smiles, words, kisses, etc. When I was pregnant with her, people I worked with (in London) couldn't believe I was so young and having a baby. They couldn't even believe I was married! But they were still respectful (to my face). Anyway, I never imagined being a mom could be so fulfilling (but I still need "projects" and set ambitious personal goals for the future). The decision when to have a baby is so personal (and what to do afterwards), so it's sad to hear these women tell you what's right.
Wow, I can't believe they actually said some of those things! Thats really sad they feel that way about being a mom...they make it sound so aweful. Being a mom is definately a challenge at times, but probably the most rewarding thing anyone could ever experience. I am lucky with my profession that I can still work (only a few shifts a month as a nurse)and still be home with my kids. It works out really well for us. When the time comes for you, you will know what is best for you guys...don't let anyone else try to tell you what is right and what isn't.
Okay, I promised I would occassionally comment if you added me to your blog, and here's the perfect opportunity. Just so you know a little about me, I am a full-time working mom of two little kids (my son is 4, my daughter is almost 2). I had a difficult time when my son was born and I couldn't quite face the possibility of completely giving up my career. In fact, I felt depressed and guilty that I didn't totally want to give up my career. I wished for months after my son was born that it was as easy a decision for me as it was for most of my friends. I considerably scaled back the kind of work I was doing, and I now work as an auditor for our state government (which can be stressful and demanding). I am able to do a good deal of the work from home. My children spend less than 2 days a week with a sitter, and it gives me some time away from the house. Working is fulfilling, for me, in a way that solely mothering is not. I think it is an intensely personal decision-unique to each person. Particularly in our religion where there is tremendous guilt associated with those of us who are conflicted in this, it is such a tough decision. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that it's easy to do both, it's not. It's one of those things where it is a blessing and a curse to be a woman. It's a blessing to have so many opportunities (career, motherhood, etc) and it's a curse to have to make so many hard choices. You are so fortunate to have a supportive husband who will help you. My husband is very supportive, and helps fill in the gaps when I cannot. I guess the moral to the story is that there is no one "right" choice, and there's room for many different approaches to this dilemma. I definitely agree with Melissa not to let anyone tell you what is right and what is not. It's not the same answer for everyone. Good luck!
Thanks Meredith- see, it's good to have you not hiding in the shadows! Good advice, from someone who is "there". I appreciate it.
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