I've been married for two years this month. We don't have children. We aren't expecting at the moment. This apparently gives people the right to ask me about my sex life. Frankly, it is one of the questions that frustrates me most. The "So, when are you planning on starting a family?" questions that people (especially within our religious culture) feel free to ask, no matter their level of familiarity with us. They may as well just say, "What's wrong with you, and why are you so self-obsessed that you are not procreating?" I met a man at church a few months ago and he asked me when I was planning on getting pregnant, within SECONDS of meeting him (to be fair, he was old- very old school, but still). I was absolutely flabergasted, and could barely mutter a half-witty, "We'll let you know when we're there" response. I spent the next 24 hours scheming up a clever response for the next time I was asked such an invasive question (I get this question a lot). I thought of everything from the sarcastic to the embarrassing. I couldn't find the right zinger.
When I went to Utah to visit my sister last fall, I had at least half a dozen people ask this question, people that I did not even know. I just answered as best as I could- that it is a decision to be made between us (as in my husband and me, not my home teacher or casual acquaintance), and that they will come when the time is right for us- physically, spiritually, personally. Some casual friends asked us this question a few weeks ago. As good as their intentions were I'm sure, I just couldn't help feeling very protective of the answer. It's for Mike and I to discuss, not dinner conversation. I sat there and squirmed, and squeezed Mike's hand really hard. He knows how frustrated I get. Perhaps I get overly frustrated, but I don't like people telling me what to do (I never have), and I don't like doing something simply because it is expected, and I really don't like discussing uber personal things with people I just don't know that well. And I certainly don't like my personal life or potential problems being broadcast. Pregnancy, children, and the path to getting there is simply far too intimate for casual conversation. Sometimes I just want to tell people that I can't get pregnant (I hope I can), just to remind them that some people really can't- and unsolicited questions are likely hurtful to those who can't (I know this from the experiences of my friends). My close friends & family- it's a different story. Different rules apply. I'm not talking about those people.
To top off the no-babies situation we're in, we are also DINKs. Double-income-no-kids. I'm starting my new job next week. I'm really excited. I've spent the last 2 years in New York City building up my resume & experince and making "strategic" moves so that I can get where I want to be, career wise. I'm getting there, and I am really proud of my success. Some people treat "career" for a woman like a four letter word. I've had this experience. On the same Utah trip mentioned above, every single person I was introduced to asked my husband did in the city. I never was asked. I'm sure that they assumed that I was killing time in an unimportant job until I got pregnant. When I did tell them what I did, they looked at me like I had 4 heads. Career = no babies, right? Career = self obsession and materialism, right? This is frustrating. I am driven, I have goals, and I like what I do, but I do not like that people judge my priorities without knowing me or my full story (nor knowing my plan, my problems, etc). Sigh. I'm excited to be a mom. I really, really am. But I'm also proud of my successes, proud of my professional accomplishments, and happy that I have grown for the better through my experiences at work. Mike and I are operating on our time line. I will not yield to social pressures to have a baby based on other people's timelines, or because I've been married long enough that I should. I don't like having to explain myself, but sometimes... I feel that I have to defend myself for who I am and what I am doing. I've learned to work really hard, and I hope this makes me a better mom, friend, daughter and citizen.
When I went to Utah to visit my sister last fall, I had at least half a dozen people ask this question, people that I did not even know. I just answered as best as I could- that it is a decision to be made between us (as in my husband and me, not my home teacher or casual acquaintance), and that they will come when the time is right for us- physically, spiritually, personally. Some casual friends asked us this question a few weeks ago. As good as their intentions were I'm sure, I just couldn't help feeling very protective of the answer. It's for Mike and I to discuss, not dinner conversation. I sat there and squirmed, and squeezed Mike's hand really hard. He knows how frustrated I get. Perhaps I get overly frustrated, but I don't like people telling me what to do (I never have), and I don't like doing something simply because it is expected, and I really don't like discussing uber personal things with people I just don't know that well. And I certainly don't like my personal life or potential problems being broadcast. Pregnancy, children, and the path to getting there is simply far too intimate for casual conversation. Sometimes I just want to tell people that I can't get pregnant (I hope I can), just to remind them that some people really can't- and unsolicited questions are likely hurtful to those who can't (I know this from the experiences of my friends). My close friends & family- it's a different story. Different rules apply. I'm not talking about those people.
To top off the no-babies situation we're in, we are also DINKs. Double-income-no-kids. I'm starting my new job next week. I'm really excited. I've spent the last 2 years in New York City building up my resume & experince and making "strategic" moves so that I can get where I want to be, career wise. I'm getting there, and I am really proud of my success. Some people treat "career" for a woman like a four letter word. I've had this experience. On the same Utah trip mentioned above, every single person I was introduced to asked my husband did in the city. I never was asked. I'm sure that they assumed that I was killing time in an unimportant job until I got pregnant. When I did tell them what I did, they looked at me like I had 4 heads. Career = no babies, right? Career = self obsession and materialism, right? This is frustrating. I am driven, I have goals, and I like what I do, but I do not like that people judge my priorities without knowing me or my full story (nor knowing my plan, my problems, etc). Sigh. I'm excited to be a mom. I really, really am. But I'm also proud of my successes, proud of my professional accomplishments, and happy that I have grown for the better through my experiences at work. Mike and I are operating on our time line. I will not yield to social pressures to have a baby based on other people's timelines, or because I've been married long enough that I should. I don't like having to explain myself, but sometimes... I feel that I have to defend myself for who I am and what I am doing. I've learned to work really hard, and I hope this makes me a better mom, friend, daughter and citizen.
I respect my friends that are mothers & am happy for their happiness. I love my sisters and are so proud of their successes with their children. I know that they work just as hard, if not harder than I do. I know that their job is so important. I can't wait until I really get what they are talking about on Tangled & True. But, I do not believe that life begins only when children come. I believe that our existence is made up of puzzle pieces that when combined, create what we call life. Stages. I am in one, and will someday move to another, but that doesn't mean that I should feel incomplete where I am now, OR that I am doing something wrong. I am fulfilled and I am happy. I hope that I always am, whether 24, 40 or 70.
11 comments:
Wow I had never heard the term DINK until about two weeks ago from a college friend, and now here you are using it. I didn't know it was a common word.
My two year anni is in two months so in some ways we are in a similar situation (however we aren't dual income, just single income- me). I am not really bugged by people asking me when we will start a family. Just a difference in personality I suppose.
I feel like there is a lot more I could say in response to this post, brings up some good points, but I will resist from turning this already long comment into a blog of it's own! I do want to say though I completely agree with your last paragraph
Well said. I think everyone searches for fulfillment in some way - something that provides context for progress ang growth (could be work, volunteering, activism, PTA, church callings, you name it). Those who consistently seek this growth are most definitely the most interesting. So kudos, sweetheart! And with regards to the kid timeline conversation? Well, I'm having plenty of fun coming up with extremely awkward responses!
You are very articulate. :)
I didn't get married until I was 24. I still felt young (and I was!), but in the "culture" I fall into, I got the same questions...always focused on "am I dating?" or "any big news?" I was always very comfortable with knowing what was best for ME [for example, having a baby at 26] and I like that you feel the same. It's empowering. There will always be critics. But we cannot let them "make" or push major life decisions for/on us.
A couple of thoughts:
*I've been a critic in the opposite way you feel like you've been critized. For example, when YOUNG (19 year old) girls get pregnant within months of getting married...I feel bad for them. I suppose I'm wrong in feeling that way.
*Maybe it's tricky to convey excitement for my current life situation (being a mother) without people feeling like I'm judging their life or trying to make them feel incomplete. Like, when you're single and you hang out with married couples. It's easy to feel out of place. It's also like living a religion that has changed your life. And you want to share it with others...but you don't want to come across as judgemental or intruisive. It's hard, right?
*I hope that you don't feel (from me) that I've implied your life hasn't "begun" yet. It hasn't ever crossed my mind. I'm always excited for you in your accomplishments. I think you're pretty top notch. :)
p.s. WHEN/if the Whiting family expands, I'll be very excited for you. {It will be good new like your new job and your house search.} I want to decorate your nursery...
Thanks Kelli. I felt like I was all over the place. You know when your heart rate is going at 110 bpm and you just HAVE to write something down? That's sort of how I felt.
Of course I've never felt any pressure from you... Nor have I felt like I'm behind because you (or Missy, or any of my other friends with babies, for the most part) are in somewhat of a different stage in life. Nothing of the sort. You have been a supportive friend, always- and like I said in my email to you, always a good example of a strong woman and mother. I hope I'm just like you when the time comes.
I felt the same way dating Mike- we got married almost 2 years after we started dating and there were always the, "So, when's the big date?" questions. Because it was not set and I did not have a ring, I always felt like people thought something was WRONG with us, or worse, ME. We took our time, did things on our own pace, and got married when we were ready. We knew we wanted to get married long before we did... People didn't understand that.
This can turn into a very controversial issue, but I feel like girls who have children at 19 are cutting themselves short. I suppose I'm being a hypocrite in being critical of THEM, but again... there are stages in life and in stage is to be enjoyed and valued. Not rushed through. I think it's really important to develop yourself, to get an education and to have some life experiene before you dive in to the next stage.
At the same time, everyone's timing is their own, and of course very personal. When it comes down to it, it's none of my business when people decide to have children or even if they simply never have them.
I will fly you out here when the baby comes. :) Hopefully that means that we will not be in an apartment any longer, but the house search is a stressful enough issue in and of itself!
Are you pregnant?
Are you calling me fat?
Not fat. But you are getting a little old. Isn't it time to procreate?
If you weren't my friend I'd punch you.
I think you said it really well Kathryn. It's being ok with the decision that helps when moments where only experience can be your guide come into play.
I got that question a lot too. It bugged me and I would just smile and say, I don't know. Devin always wanted to make it really awkward for people. I'd say that we waited a while for "our culture" as well.
Truthfully, if I wasn't WANTING my baby girl I don't know if I would have been able to endure the hard, crying moments as well as I did. Not saying that babies that are not planned make life unbearable and truly I don't think anyone can ever look at a baby and think that, but there were hard parts in the beginning FOR ME. Even through that, I felt very happy with my decision. Does that make sense? I'm really not trying to say that someone not choosing a baby wouldn't be happy, but possibly a little (extra?) stressed at times.
All I'm trying to say is that I'm glad you are waiting. And I will be happy to have more Kathryn comments on T&T whenever that day does come.
Thanks Missy, and yes, you make perfect sense. My mom is telling me that I will never be ready (as in, no one ever really is), but I think that people just KNOW when the time is right...
To be honest, I was really scared about OFFENDING people (like you and Kelli). I'm glad people understand me, without taking offense by misinterpreting me. I REALLY, REALLY respet you guys, and in a small way, am jealous of where you are and what you are doing. At the same time, like I said... I'm really happy and excited about the "stage" I'm in, and looking forward to the net.
Wow! That certainly incited a response, didn't it?Articulate, focused, blessedly, uniquely wonderful...That's my girl! You know what? Even in the old days (we were married in 1968 mind you), I don't EVER remember anyone asking me when I was going to have a baby...and we waited until we'd been married almost four years! (especially long by standards those days) Anyway - We both finished shool, climbed muntains, bacpaackdd the Sierras, and explored the western states. We also grew up a bit. and when we were ready, or fancied ourselves ready, we began our journey as parents. I guess I stand by my comment, though I don't actually remember saying it, that I don't think we're every actaully ready, in a way. What that means to me, in mom speak, is that we cannot control all that comes our way when we become parents....We are unaware of the profound love we will feel, the bone tiredness, the joy of our babies first smile. There is a primal root to those feelings and others that carry us into the world of parenting. I loved being a new mother...for me, the wait was right. I have never, ever looked back with regret. Seven wonderful children...a great life....no problems so large I couldn't survive them (so far). So I applaud you, in every way. Just don't let others cause you to get riled up - it's not worth the energy. Smile..be happy, and go on to live other wonderful days, your way.
I love you! xoxoxoMom
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