Hello, my name is Kathryn, & I am a child of God.

I've had this post in draft mode for about the last week, but I couldn't get past the subject. That was the easy part. The rest is a little more difficult to articulate.

Yes, I'm a child of God. Yes, that should define me & should give my life real meaning.

But the fact is that I've been a little off-balanced for the last few years. So while it's of course a fact, it's also a fact that - simply put - I've sort of struggled with this in a sense, with its true meaning & significance in my very own life.

New York is an interesting place filled with all sorts of driven, brilliant people who are so passionate about what they do (like the third type of New Yorker described here). The drive & energy of this city has been a good thing. I've been influenced by people who have shown me my potential & the real possibilities that exist in my life. I've taken advantage of opportunities that have come my way. My career has been important to me, & I've worked really hard to get to where I discovered I wanted to be only after coming to this city. I’ve learned so much. Among other things - I understand that really learning how to work hard is so important. That alone has been a good experience for me – even if it has meant 80+ hour work weeks & a long commute. I know what I'm capable of, & I'm proud of the successes that I've had. But. This drive, this pressure (keeping in mind that pressure is not always a bad thing) has not been entirely positive though, of course. There are side effects, in that the balance of it all, the juggling act, has at times been totally… nonexistent. There has been imbalance, & many balls have been dropped. I've spent the last three years in particular (at a large investment bank, & then at a hedge fund) working incredibly hard, long hours & practically having a blackberry duct-taped to my hands all hours of the day. The benefits - receiving accolades from my colleagues, financial rewards, & a sense of self-worth & importance stemming from doing something seemingly so significant. The consequences - massive imbalance, & priorities that are restructured - oftentimes inappropriately so. Not to mention true emotional & physical fatigue.

So when my firm went through major restructuring last week & I lost my job (I lost my job. It's so strange.), my system went into a bit of shock. Not because I didn't know it was coming (I did) or because we won't be able to buy groceries (we can), but because it’s a major life change for me, one that sort of feels like sprinting directly into a massive brick wall head-on. And I’m literally in a totally different position this week (on my couch in a tshirt & jeans) than I was last week (in my office with heels, business casual & a corporate Amex card with no limit). It feels strange. Not scary, but just strange.

Financially, we're fine. They gave me a good severance package. I have a tremendous network of good people who are willing to help me. I’ll find a good spot, in Manhattan (vs. Greenwich which was getting old quite quickly). I'm not even worried, actually. I have a good background, a good resume, & good people to help me. At the end of the day, I feel blessed. But still kind of funny.

And just out of sorts, & like previously mentioned... strange.

For example - I didn't brush my teeth until 3pm yesterday.

(Yes, that's gross - yet true.)

On a Wednesday.

And I've forgotten several times this week what day it is.
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I allowed myself to be sad for just one day. Yesterday. After a few days of really hitting the job-hunting pavement, I decided I just need to let myself mope. I wanted to be depressed. So mope I did & depressed I was, for about 8 hours, on my couch, with just my pj's & TiVo as my companion (I'm sorry I didn't call you back Emma, but I just wanted to pout, alone). I finally decided to go for a run around 4pm, & when I got back, I could breath again, & I understood a little bit more why I was feeling so upside down.

I realize that because my sense of real value has at times come from places where it maybe shouldn't have, it’s left me feeling rather confused. Especially within LDS culture.

I'm a 26 year old woman.

I don't have a job.

I don't have offspring (& have already been fielding questions on this for years).

So…

What's the point of me right now??

I've had a few well-intentioned people tell me that Maybe you should consider having children now. Thank you very much for that (conversations about our family planning, sex life & personal decisions/issues are not among my favorite topics), but a note to my friends who I love: please don't tell me to have children now. As if I didn't have them already because I've had a job. As if I've only cared about my professional life & simply haven't wanted children. It's hurtful, it's sort of insulting & it's incredibly frustrating to hear things like that. Simply put, it's personal, & it's (obviously) between Mike & me. The end.

But point being. No job. Existing in a culture where most women my age have children. What do I do all day? Where do I add value?

Which brings me back to my subject – one which leads me to believe that even though I can’t hand someone a business card right now that states my name & title, I do in fact have a title - & it makes me feel really good when I really allow myself to think about what that really means. It’s a reminder that has made me feel a little better these past few days as I've filled the hours sending emails, making calls, dragging myself to the gym, oftentimes just staring at the wall & keeping the apartment pretty much spotless anywhere you look (because I have no excuse right now to have a messy apartment, or to be out of shape). It’s a reminder that makes me really comfortable being me right now & not letting other people dictate how I perceive myself, my life or the choices I’ve made.

It's a good time to get re-centered. It's been a process, this re-centering, that started a while ago. Months ago, maybe even in preparatio for this. But the reality of this actual event has made things all the more clearer & I'm appreciative of that. Life is a little complicated at times, but far less complicated with a strong foundation. It's okay for professional or temporal things to be important to me. But I need to remember what is most important & who I fundamentally am. That’s where my real worth really is.

Amen.

(In the meantime, in the midst of job hunting, I plan on training for another half marathon, enjoying my city, catching up on the 37 books on my to-read list & cooking more yummy meals like this one that I had last night at a friend's house.)